In Memoriam

JCH - The most wonderful grandfather anyone could ever have. 
Passed this day, July 5th, 1994.  You are always loved and missed.

Marriages and long term relationships are almost like another family member.  Loved, nurtured, sacrificed for...
The difference seems to be that we often don't see it as it's own entity while it is alive, but we certainly feel the grief when it dies.

Happy Independence Day

That phrase has a whole new meaning to me.

This, I believe, was the longest day of my life.  The kids were gone to 4th of July parties.  My husband was somewhere out in the world, I have no idea where.  I was here at home, all by myself, all day... and all night.

I still find it hard to believe he has done this to me.  All the years I've done everything to support him.  Moved all over the world, away from my family and friends for him.  Always put his needs and wants first.  THIS is what happens when you do that.  Lesson learned.

For months now, in therapy, he has made dreamy references to being lonely when he goes to mass, football games, etc.  Turns out she's a practicing Catholic too.  So, he has fantasies that the two of them, both adulterers, will someday go to mass together?  And obviously he misses her during communion or something?  Really?  What a hypocrite.

Maybe he's delusional.  This is a person  he barely knows.  They haven't spent any real time together.  She has two kids herself, is she going to leave her husband?

All of this just boggles my mind.  I know it's all said and done and I need to move on but it's just all so unbelievably  stupid.  My life has been ruined for nothing.  Nothing.  What a prick.

All I can think about is the scene in Sex and the City where Aidan screams at Carrie on the street, "YOU BROKE MY HEART".

What do I do now?

I sit here alone.  My husband of 17 years, we were together for 22, almost half my life... is gone.  I threw him out.  He will never live with me again.

What else do you do when the person you've spent essentially half your life with, birthed and raised his children, supported him in every single way - informs you he's been having an affair for the past two years...AND while he doesn't want to give up the affair (with a whore who is married to someone else and also has children), he wants you to stay in the marriage for the next 4 years so his social status won't go in the shitter.

I always knew something was going on.  I couldn't catch it.  He kept things under passwords and hidden away where I couldn't get to them.  We've been through a year a therapy where I asked several times for him to tell me what was going on.  At home I asked him to tell me the truth.

Every. Single. Time.  He lied. 

I knew this was coming, I just didn't know how much it would hurt.  He has spent the past two years being emotionally and physically vacant.  I've spent the past two years being miserable, hoping this was some midlife crisis that would sort itself out and the person who loved me would come back eventually.

What else do you do?

I am so sad and lonely...

The bright shining life I always dreamed of turned into a huge cliche.  What do I do now?